This cosmic – and comic – look at financial planning is brought to you by Credit Canada’s visiting amateur astrologer, Claire Voyant. She welcomes your comments about the horoscope’s content and whether or not you’d like to see the feature appear here as a regular item. As a starry-eyed hobbyist in the field, Claire claims to be steeped in astrological wisdom. Since our expertise is restricted to credit counselling and financial literacy, we’ll have to take her word for it. To find your horoscope by sign, just scroll down.
Financial Planning for Taurus (April 21 to May 21)
Greetings all. Since we’re in the Taurus cycle right now, I think it’s only proper to get this blog rolling by encouraging all Taureans to take the bull by the horns. Now is the time to put your nose for finances to work on smart money management strategies. Extra income is in the stars, but you should make an effort to be a little less reserved about the way you treat money. Frankly, you might try to get beyond being a scaredy-cat when it comes to taking a little risk now and then (though of course you should always take pains to know exactly what you’re getting yourself into). Whatever you do, don’t fly into an uncontrollable rage just because somebody calls you a
scaredy- cat. As a fiscal conservative, you should expect some name calling. Besides, no good ever comes from getting angry with others and going after them with golf clubs. Fact is, hot tempers are the Achilles' Heel of many a Taurean. Take movie great Jack Nicholson for instance. His bouts of road-rage drive him to tee off on other motorists’ windshields, which gets to be pretty expensive considering Jack’s platinum Honma golf clubs cost him $75,000. Then there’s the matter of lawsuits.
Financial Planning for Gemini (May 22 to June 22)
Careful Gemini. As May gets underway, the Moon's position can make for a blessing or a curse financially speaking. Indeed, one of the twins that make up your Zodiac sign could get up to some evil mischief by taking you on a wild spring shopping spree (there goes the savings account). This would be a troubling setback since you need to focus on longer-term financial goals right now. In all circumstances, be doubly sure the good right twin knows what the evil left twin is doing when you reach for your wallet. Also, since your tendency is to talk to yourself, don’t let the evil twin take over the conversation. She (or he) might attempt to pick an animated argument with you while you’re cutting your toenails. Next thing you know, the meddler is ranting about buying a pair of Prada sandals from Holt Renfrew for $500. Nuts! Never be swayed from a manageable spending plan and a well-thought-out monthly budget. Also, take special care in social situations where alcohol is being consumed. Maintain self-control. A tipsy evil twin has no qualms about publicly exposing stupid things you’ve apparently done with your money when in fact they were the evil twin’s doing.
Financial Planning for Cancer (June 23 to July 23)
May’s astrological news might make a number of Cancers feel crabby, but there are ways to nip that in the bud. Maybe just drop everything and travel to a faraway shore. Okay, just kidding here with a little play on your Crab sign. Truth is, burying your head in the sand isn’t your style (sorry again). Normally, you’re a realistic, responsible, nurturing kind of person, so you’ve got the grounding to overcome current adverse financial conditions. You may be concerned or even deeply worried about money, particularly credit card debt devoted to candy and magazines. But keep the faith. Blue skies and financial peace of mind beckon in the not-too-distant future. Positive outcomes may depend on credit counselling and consolidating your debt. Remember that as a caring soul, you’re emotionally sensitive and can grow depressed when others – particularly Sagittarian practical jokers – tease you about your crustacean-like gestures. Avoid the example of other Cancers such as Hollywood hunk David Hasselhoff – veteran star of the hit TV shows Baywatch and Knight Rider. In years past, with his star fading and facing ridicule from radical feminists, he reportedly turned to the bottle. In time it almost did him in when he slipped in a bathtub in a chichi hotel suite and somehow managed to hit his head on a chandelier. Weird, I know. Fortunately, in typical Cancer fashion, he bounced back.
Financial Planning for Leo (July 24 to August 23)
Repeat after me: I am Leo, hear me roar. Yes, dear lionhearted soul, you’ve got good reason this month to take a bite out of favourable fortune. With Venus remaining in your financial sector until early June, now is the perfect time to bravely address old fiscal fears and doubts. New money-making opportunities and career prospects could be coming your way. In no time, you could be giving your current jerk of a boss the raspberry (it’s in your nature to be the one in charge to begin with). You’re well-equipped to take command since you’re ruled by the Sun and love to shine as an extrovert. Still, some emotional restraint is in order. Like the king of the jungle, you can at times be too full of yourself, which makes for trouble in and around the Pride - or the pride – so to speak. You can be bossy, vain, egotistical, even downright beastly. At least for this month, avoid putting yourself bodily in the way of others who try to leave before you’re finished talking to them. As well, learn from the mistakes of other Leos - for instance, the he-man celebrities Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hulk Hogan. It’s said that both sometimes try to open doors and windows by yelling at them. Meanwhile, according to unnamed sources, actor Dustin Hoffmann and author Danielle Steel frequently enter rooms – even bathrooms - expecting others to clap or bow. Above all, do not kiss mirrors in public.
Financial Planning for Virgo (August 24 to September 23)
As a Virgo, your strength lies in putting your ducks in order. Nobody has more potential to get things organized. That’s good, because you could be in for a bit of a financial flap in the near to mid term. Money plans and investments – particularly those shared with others – could run into difficulty. Your talent for tidiness can help you avert trouble. Clean up the paperwork. If you haven’t already established an emergency cash fund, get started. On the plus side, you could be looking at a raise by fall. Your ability to remember details – like how your boss takes his or her Scotch – can put you in the running. Just remember that it’s also your habit to pick everything to pieces and fret over details to the point where you can be said to suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). This malady involves obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours that can depress and hobble you. Take lessons from famous Virgos with OCD traits. According to Facebook sources, these people include film, music, and TV celebrities such as Matt Damon, Hilary Duff, and Barbara Walters. Try to avoid their behaviour. Apparently, Matt plans walking routes around cracks in sidewalks and pavement. Hilary uses a toothbrush to clean every square inch of her en suite bathroom twice weekly. And Barbara breaks into hives if even one of the hundreds of shoes in her walk-in closet is not aligned exactly parallel to all the others.
Financial Planning for Libra (September 24 to October 23)
Libra, liberate yourself! Given the movement of the Sun and Mercury right now, you are due for an annual financial review to balance needs and wants against spending power. Since your Zodiac sign is The Scales, this all makes perfect sense. If after the review you stick to your monthly budget and to frugal spending, the gods of good financial fortune are likely to smile upon you as the months progress, or at least the supernatural powers will discuss throwing extra money your way. Careful with your savings, though, for you could end up overspending on the finer things in life since you are the most cultured of all the Zodiac signs. But surely you know that already, since you have a tendency to beguile and even intimidate others with talk about the latest trends in the arts, fashion, and cuisine. Indeed, you must take care as an elitist, respecting the fact that others around you enjoy eating Big Macs, visiting thrift stores, and watching inane, plotless Hollywood blockbuster movies. Your best bet is to follow the example of famous Libra celebrities such as Kim Kardashian (who knew?), Eminem (who knew?), and Goldie Hawn (who knew?). According to Facebook sources, they all take pains to identify with everyday people and enjoy two-for-one pizza. Secretly, though, they are died-in-the-wool snobs. The point here: put on a good front and try to keep your snootiness under wraps. The vulgar masses do not always need to know what you really think.
Financial Planning for Scorpio (October 24 to November 22)
Steady as she goes Scorpio. You’re full of passion, but don’t let it rule you. You’ve got to try to keep your amorous urges in check or you could end up overspending on a romantic misadventure. Your strong intuitive powers can aid you in the self restraint, and perhaps help you avoid a terrible scene that might result when your mate discovers strange motel charges on your credit card bill. Now, I know the self-discipline doesn’t come easy since you tend to think about sex every three and a half minutes. But if you give it a rest for awhile you could put yourself on the path to solidifying a savings or retirement account, and paving the way for long-term financial security. Your steady income helps in this regard. Of course, you must always be wary of Pluto’s dark influence over you. Pluto’s powers tend to provoke odd fantasies and paranoia at times, and this can lead to strange behaviour and delusions. For instance, many Scorpios with tendencies toward addiction try to find ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Other Scorpios sometimes find it hard to accept the fact that Star Trek is make believe, and that they are not participants in the Borg. Under the unrestrained influence of Pluto, still more Scorpios believe they have been abducted by aliens who undertake weird sexual experiments. Perhaps it’s no surprise that Halloween falls within the Scorpio cycle.
Financial Planning for Sagittarius (November 23 to December 21)
Good thing Sagittarius that you’re ruled by jovial Jupiter because there’s tension in your life right now thanks to dark Pluto in your financial sector. This doesn’t necessarily mean you will suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (per your Archer sigh). But it does mean you’ve got to temper your thrill-seeking, happy-go-lucky spirit and stay on target. That mean’s keeping a close eye on what money is coming in and what money is going out, and being realistic about your spending. For a keen adventurer like you, this requires willpower. The truth is, you will find ways to make an adventure out of just about anything, like trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out, or going hatless under a blazing sun on a long hike just to test your resistance to sun stroke. To keep a handle on your spending, you might be advised to take lunch with a good financial advisor, at which time the party animal in you may surface. Keep this side of your personality in check, for it can mark you as someone who lacks social graces. Just remember, food fights can be a lot of fun in the privacy of your own home, but they are unacceptable in restaurants and cafes.
Financial Planning for Capricorn (December 22 to January 20)
Life’s looking up for you Capricorn. The Moon’s visit to your income sector spells smooth financial sailing for the near-term. This, added to your nose for money and highly sensible approach to life, makes for solid financial grounding, with a clear vision about material needs and priorities. All this, despite movement by Mars to botch things up, reminding you of dour Saturn’s influence over you. For the moment, you can set aside all worries about criticism that as a down-to-earth person you also can be as dull as a high school math teacher. Don’t let the detractors – particularly certain mean-spirited Scorpios and Sagittarians – get you down, sometimes teasing you about your sign being the Seagoat. You ought to feel nothing but pride about being a hardworking realist who never plays the lottery. So what if you think crocket and curling are exciting sports. To avid fans, they can certainly be thrilling. Beware, though. You are apt to compensate for the straight-arrow criticism by pretending to talk with lively, risk-taking friends by cell. If you insist on chatting with imaginary people just to impress others, make darn sure you never get caught.
Financial Planning for Aquarius (January 21 to February 19)
Right now there’s tension in the Air element. But don’t worry too much Aquarius. Venus is throwing The Water Carrier sign a lifeline in the income sector. You are about to be tested financially, perhaps through a debt (or a steep fine) that you will need to pay by August. Aiding you is your deep loyalty to friends, which could be reciprocated to your financial benefit. A shared outing to a nude beach may figure into the picture. Or perhaps you’ll simply get nude with friends in a city park. No surprise, really, since Aquarians love to get naked in public, feeling a certain nostalgia for the Woodstock Generation of the 1960s when getting naked was all the rage among admired hippies. It’s all to be expected, since you tend toward eccentric and rebellious behaviour. Maybe that’s why most rock stars are Aquarians. In any event, it won’t much matter to you whether money matters take a turn for the better or the worse this month since you’ve got it into your head that the material world is an illusion. Fortunately, your talent for original, inventive thinking should help you gain sympathy before any judge hearing your public nudity case.
Financial Planning for Pisces (February 20 to March 20)
As a Piscean, you may be thinking something fishy is going on with your finances right now. Truth is, opposition between Uranus in your income sector and Mars in your financial sector are bringing money matters to a head right now. A major breakthrough could be in the offing, but that depends on you laying low for a bit in the face of an empty schedule or existential angst. Now is the time for self-improvement – maybe adult education (pottery classes?) or especially a trip for a memorable life experience. As an artistic type – sensitive and imaginative – you’ll certainly make the most of it. Keep your arty inclinations in check, though. Try to act appropriately. Don’t make the mistake of many Piscean women – and men for that matter – and go on wilderness treks wearing pretty floaty dresses, high heels, and tons of unusual costume jewellery. Improve your logic skills, too, since when travelling you tend to believe you will discover a route to the fantastical land of Narnia. Remember that if financial matters don’t go your way, crying or quoting the poetry of Elizabeth Barrett Browning probably won’t help much.
Financial Planning for Aries (March 21 to April 20)
For you Aries the money gods are finally giving income matters some much needed attention thanks to the movement of the Sun, the Moon, Mercury, and city traffic. Debt could be a big deal for you right now, and it will remain so in the months ahead. Your job is to get to work and set a plan to pay what you owe for peace of mind. You can do it, even if it means clipping coupons, taking advantage of rebates, and getting stuff through sales, discounts, and unattended hotel cloak rooms. Since you’re a fighter – headstrong and impetuous – you can win the debt battle. Given your fighting spirit, though, there is always the danger of the dark side taking over. In such circumstances, temper the desire to shout at your dog, cat, guinea pig or other household pets that may end up sustaining psychological wounds since they have no idea what you’re talking about. Indeed, per your sign, put your Ram’s Horns to good use by knocking debt, rather than others, in the butt. Otherwise, you could succeed in stealing Arian Russell Crowe’s title as the Zodiac’s star jerk. I think we can all agree it’s about time the actor stopped screaming and throwing telephones at the hired help.
P.S. - Remember to comment. Claire Voyant welcomes your input about her Good Heaven’s horoscope and whether or not you’d like to see it appear here as a regular item.