Back by popular demand! Welcome to the second instalment of For The Love of Money’s new financial planning horoscope, Good Heavens! This tongue-in-cheek look at financial planning is brought to you by Credit Canada’s visiting amateur astrologer, Claire Voyant. Comments are most welcome with the understanding that Credit Canada takes no responsibility for Claire’s claims since we suspect they are based not only on the horoscope and news sources she researches, but on gossip, rumour, innuendo, and off-hand remarks she picks up from TV, the Internet, and unknown sources at parties.
Financial Planning for Gemini (May 22 to June 21)
How many Geminis does it take to screw in a light bulb? The answer to that question can be illustrated by way of famous former Beatle Paul McCartney, who like all Geminis is influenced by forces of the twin opposites. Late night talk-show hosts are these days remarking about Paul’s struggle to find a balance between his inner male and female sides. The tussle appears to be changing him physically. Many are now observing that Paul bears a striking resemblance to Angela Lansbury of TV’s Murder, She Wrote fame. Were it not for his tinted hair, I myself would think the ageing musician could double for the TV series’ matronly, silver-haired detective Jessica Fletcher. To put it all into perspective, Geminis must make an extra effort to establish balance between their two selves or they’ll end up in the soup (or on The Soup, if that biting TV gossip show is still running). So, in answer to the light bulb thing: just one Gemini will get the job done to avoid major life screw ups, including financial ones. For you as a Gemini, equilibrium is a must this June. You could be facing financial planning issues relating to overdue bills or credit card debt involving purchases that seem to be made by a total stranger of the opposite sex. For instance, a single, heterosexual man with no current romantic connections might wonder what sheer silk stockings and a spicy Frederick’s of Hollywood brassiere are doing on a billing statement from an online supplier. Find the middle ground between Ob-La-Di and Ob-La-Da and you’ll be fine.
Financial Planning for Cancer (June 22 to July 23)
I like the idea of getting a light bulb theme going for my June horoscopes. So I ask you: how many Cancers does it take to screw one in? Answer: just one. But if things don’t go well, therapy will likely follow – perhaps even regressive primal therapy where so-called birth trauma is re-experienced at an emotional level, with a lot of blubbing and wailing in the treatment sessions. My point is, as a Cancer you’ve got to keep a firm grip on your emotions. Also, you have a trusting, sentimental nature that some people (like greedy Scorpios) are prone to exploit solely for their own benefit. In fact, many Cancers right now are coming out of a period where they’ve been been taken for suckers, with the need now to address damages to their financial planning. Good news here, though. The stars and planets are aligned to help you shore up your finances through a carefully written monthly budget that should be followed without fail. Financial opportunities with others also may present themselves. But don’t be too quick to bond with new associates, or for that matter with romantic prospects. Pace yourself. Think things through. Or look at it this way: after a first night of romance, it’s not appropriate these days to ask your partner when the two of you are getting married.
Financial Planning for Leo (July 24 to August 23)
Further to my June theme: How many Leos does it take to screw in a light bulb? Again, the answer is just one. But to get the bulb properly inserted – figuratively speaking – you may have to take steps to deal with an extremely annoying and even debilitating snoring disorder. Permit me to explain. Leos have animal instincts similar to that of lions, and frequently they suffer from a loud snoring disorder called sleep apnea. The beastly nocturnal snorting serves as a kind of instinctive replacement – or as compensation – for roaring like a lion, which of course few Leos can regularly practice in civilized settings. Cosmic constellations – not to mention spouses – call upon afflicted Leos to seek treatment now. The thing is, excessive snoring reduces oxygen intake and can drastically affect your state of mind, your health, and by extension your finances. It can leave you feeling tired, irritable, unpopular, and possibly broke during waking hours. You may have to put your famous Leo pride and ego aside for the time being to deal with the issue. Then you can put your practical financial skills to work at a time when Saturn and Jupiter are creating a positive connection for financial planning and monetary gain, especially in relation to personal and professional associates. As to treatment for snoring, seek professional help only. Or try to find some way to roar frequently each day without disturbing others or being arrested. Don’t make the mistake of famous Hollywood Leo Arnold Schwarzenegger. According to Facebook rumour, his deafening snores threatened his marriage to Maria Shriver. His solution? Separate bedrooms! Sadly, as we all know now, the separate bedrooms included the maid’s room, and the marriage fizzled anyway, with divorce currently in the offing. Oh, the irony of it all.
Financial Planning for Virgo (August 24 to September 23)
Continuing with a variation on a theme: How many Virgos does it take to screw in a light bulb? Using a stark mathematical illustration, the answer is that it takes 1.111111 Virgos to screw the thing in, with a .000013 per cent margin for error. The numbers amply illustrate the logical, organized, detail-oriented and – some might say – anal retentive nature of Virgos everywhere. Last month I wrote at length about the characteristics of those who fall under this star sign, with some discussion about the tendency among Virgos to succumb to something called obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It involves obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviour that can seriously disrupt relationships and good financial planning. I won’t belabour the matter here. Instead, I offer suggestions for better personal finance at a time when Jupiter’s travels amid the skies hold both promise and peril for Virgo, depending on your actions. Like many other Zodiac signs right now, you stand to benefit money wise by interacting in social and business circles. That’s Jupiter’s positive influence. At the same time, however, the planet’s negative influence could lead to a lot of bossiness on your part, which puts others off and could make you a bit of a financial outcast. The solution is to do the unexpected. Throw caution and reason to the wind for a bit. Silence all that organized chatter inside your head. You don’t really need to email others in the wee hours about how responsible people get up to feed their pets at 7:00 a.m., have the pets fed by 7:18, and let the pets out for a stroll and some fresh air by 7:21. Moreover, let others discover on their own perhaps later in the day that cans of premium cat food have been discounted at Loblaws stores, offering savings of 89 cents a pack. Hang on … I just realized I’m belabouring a point. Sorry.
Financial Planning for Libra (September 24 to October 23)
How many Libras does it take to screw in a light bulb? No one can be sure about the answer since Libras themselves have a hard time deciding whether or not they should even attempt to screw the thing in. Indeed, Libras remind me of the old joke that goes: “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” Then there are the Libras who think that they can be decisively indecisive, but who soon realize they are only being indecisively decisive about their indecision. But I shouldn't be too hard on you Libra, because for all your fence sitting, you have other desirable, even enviable traits. They include your open mindedness, your creativity, your love of the arts, and your taste for refined things. In terms of financial planning, you normally profit from your strengths when you join forces with strong decision makers. But this June is not a normal time for you. No, you have planets facing off in the sky, each wanting its own way, and there’s the possibility of big changes in your life. With so much in flux right now, it’s best to put new decisions by others about important financial matters concerning you on hold. Or maybe not. What do you think? Sorry, just teasing. I’ll take it from here. I suggest that you consider going on a holiday until the astrological storm passes. Or maybe throw yourself into your work or pursue a hobby that keeps your creative juices flowing. Perhaps you should even think about getting up to a little mischief by releasing some of the dark cosmic energy you sometimes store inside. Go ahead. Vent. Be vain. Kiss mirrors. Act like an art snob. Everybody needs to let loose their shadow side once in a while. Come to think of it, since all the suggestions I’m making require decisions from you, I’ll just shut up.
Financial Planning for Scorpio (October 24 to November 22)
This one’s easy. How many Scorpios does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: None, because Scorpios aren’t afraid of the dark. I’m sure that with this I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know as a Scorpio. You’re canny to the point of being brilliant. You know you’re a mercurial type - secretive, puzzling, intense, sexual, intuitive. A bit of a weirdo, really. Just kidding. I mean, being mercurial and passionate doesn’t make you a creep. Truth is you can be very generous of spirit, loyal, and a great dinner party guest due to your conversational powers. Your traits come in handy in matters of financial planning. Being possessive, Scorpios tend to agglomerate wealth. As well, investment advisors and stock brokers are often scared into making lots of money for Scorpios since this is a sign (like Taurus) signalling an explosive temper. I understand some brokers would rather pay out of their own pocket than tell a Scorpio his or her stock has tanked. Right now, you could be in position to make more money through investments but particularly through a raise or a new career move. The opportunities all depend on whether you took my advice last month to curtail your libido amid signs that a new, romantic misadventure could set you back financially. Did you have the strength to control that mighty sex drive of yours? If so, congratulations. You’re on your way. Incidentally, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. Go figure.
Financial Planning for Sagittarius (November 23 to December 21)
Ready for this one? How many Sagittarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: No one cares, least of all Sagittarians, most of whom would respond to the question with a bewildered look thinking: The sun is high, the day is young, we’ve got the rest of our lives ahead of us – and you’re talking about a stupid light bulb? Well, I must say I admire the Sagittarian’s zest for adventure, and the enthusiasm they show for new experiences. But there can be a downside to all this, especially now with celestial activity indicating financial difficulty for the month of June. You could be facing serious cash-flow problems. You might have to borrow money just to feed your exotic Indian Ringhead parakeets. It’s not an encouraging picture. The problems might be stemming from your happy-go-lucky attitude towards money. I’ve heard that Sagittarians make up a significant portion of the millions of Canadians who admitted to something astonishing in a fairly recent poll. They believe a lottery jackpot or an inheritance from a long-lost relative is going to materialize and set them up for life. Maybe you think I’m joking about the poll, but it’s true. It only proves that there’s a fine line between an adventurous spirit and a reckless moon bat. Don’t be one of the latter. The challenge for you could be to get your head out of the clouds and find some solid financial footing back here on earth. It could be that if you’re careful with your money - if you decide at last to put emphasis on savings and perhaps seek credit counselling from qualified professionals - you can work things out. Otherwise, keep pinning your hopes on Lotto Max and Uncle Greenbacks and I’ll see you around – probably on a street corner somewhere in a sleeping bag. I suppose that’s an adventure, of sorts.
Financial Planning for Capricorn (December 22 to January 20)
Here we go for Capricorns. How many of them does it take to screw in a light bulb? It’s a ridiculous question. As you probably know through self examination, conservative, hardworking, no-nonsense Capricorns such as yourself have no time for inane humour. Still, I’m reminded again of a recent joke I heard about what Capricorns say after making love with a new partner: “Do you have a business card?” Okay, just having a little fun here. This is supposed to be a funny horoscope in addition to its informative value; please keep reading. Big things are up for you according to the celestial realm. A positive combination of energies among the stars and planets could bode well for your personal life and for your financial planning right through summer. Now could be a great time for earning commissions, royalties, bonus cheques, and the like. Investments promise to grow quickly, and your spouse’s or partner’s earnings could improve, thereby increasing your joint assets, an important matter. Fortunately, on the romance front all promises to be harmonious following bouts of trouble in the past. They resulted from the fact that you likely partnered with your polar opposite and at times neglected to respect the differences between you and her (or him). As they say, opposites attract. If you’re a Capricorn male, there’s a good chance you partnered with an Aquarian female, a wild and woolly woman. She at times resented you for your idea of a good time – sitting at home listening to Bach while sipping red wine like a priest in a rectory. But a new off limits policy having to do with the bedroom changed all that, and now you’re out and about having a merry old time – or at least pretending to have a merry old time. Cheers.
Financial Planning for Aquarius (January 21 to February 19)
What do you suppose Abraham Lincoln, who served as president of the United States from 1861 to 1865, would have answered when asked: How many Aquarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, lighted lamps being rather primitive and scarce in his day, Abraham probably would have enquired first about how the light’s screw-in feature worked, and understanding it he probably would have responded only in confidence by saying: “We will bring together as many Aquarians as are necessary to screw in the light bulb and brighten the revelries – yeehaw!” Yes dear reader, contrary to popular belief, Abraham Lincoln – an Aquarian through and through – was a notorious party animal. As recent, alternative views of history show, the great leader took pains to keep hidden from the public his wild antics and drinking binges, always undertaken only in the company of his closest political buddies during hunting expeditions and intimate gatherings in remote cabins. It only goes to show that Aquarians are gregarious, fascinating, intelligent, unpredictable souls who are a lot of fun to be around. All these traits can be put to good use for your financial planning right now. Opportunities could arise to help you expand income and business prospects through networking and business contacts. In particular, foreign travel might figure into the picture for financial gain. Don’t be surprised if good news presents itself while you’re attending a social function – or perhaps whooping it up at a party – somewhere in the United States, perhaps even in the vicinity of Washington D.C. God bless America.
Financial Planning for Pisces (February 20 to March 20)
Troubling thoughts sometimes surface when you ask: How many Pisceans does it take to screw in a light bulb? If it’s a Piscean who answers, he or she might say: “Is there a secret global agenda behind my screwing in the light bulb?” Surely you identify with the response, since you know as a Piscean that your imagination and mystical thoughts often get away on you, leading to all sorts of wild notions and even paranoid ideas about conspiracies and others who might be out to get you, including a reptilian race from the Draco group of galaxies that is working behind the scenes to take over planet Earth. Truth is, many of the world’s conspiracy theorists are Pisceans, including a number of independent Latvian researchers who maintain that the late film director Stanley Kubrick (celebrated for his visual masterpiece 2001: A Space Odyssey) was hired by NASA to stage and film faked Apollo moon landings fed to global TV screens from a vast, remote movie set through sophisticated video circuitry. Who knows, given the increasingly weird nature of modern life as we now know it through the Internet, maybe there’s some grain of truth to the Piscean fears. But one thing is sure: if you want to be able to pay for your dry cleaning, you need to look to celestial events beyond the moon and including all the planets and stars. That’s why there are money horoscopes like mine. So keep your head. Try to be practical and realistic even though scary fantasies threaten to consume you. Unfortunately, and perhaps just coincidentally, this June you may have good reason to be suspicious of others. Your house shows that someone could be out to undermine you, which will throw a wrench into your financial planning. Stay cautious. Remain on the alert. At the same time, try to be calm. Have a drink. Watch an innocuous TV show. Call a therapist. Get off the Internet for a while. Whatever it takes.
Financial Planning for Aries (March 21 to April 20)
“Just one. Wanna make something of it?” That’s pretty much the answer you might expect from an Arien who’s been asked: How many Ariens does it take to screw in a light bulb? Feisty, demanding, energetic, assertive, enterprising. That’s you in a nutshell. Your qualities can put you command of projects and also in positions of power. And here’s great news. Right now movement within your house indicates that all your energy, talent, and bravado could translate to a big career move up, with lots more coin coming your way. But let me temper the news with some important words of caution. Don’t blow it all by letting your ego get out of control. Dark powers within the universe can quickly bring you trouble, particularly in relation to your demanding nature. It can make others hate you, even as you rise to the top and accumulate vast wealth. You have to ask yourself, what’s money without friendship and love? Take Arien Lady Gaga for instance. Rumour has it that while millions of fans adore her, those closest to her secretly loathe her. Why? Because she’s a demanding bitch, reportedly asking employees to work thousands of hours in overtime, and not paying them for their time. And there’s more. Just recently, an angry employee on her tour circuit leaked a 14-page memo detailing Lady Gaga’s outrageous list of personal demands while on the road. Amongst hundreds of mandatory requirements for all kinds of stuff were demands for silver satin sheets and framed posters of David Bowie, Queen, and Elton John set amid white leather couches, as well as freshly delivered yellow, lavender, and white roses. Then there was the demand for almost every cheese known to humankind. Then there was the demand for a life-size doll in human form outfitted with “pink pubic hair.” The list goes on and on. And so does the spite among her staff and tour organizers. Personally, I think this Arien has literally gone gaga.
Financial Planning for Taurus (April, 12 to Ma y 21)
Last but not least on my June list of signs is Taurus, along with his or her response to the question about how many Taureans it takes to screw in a light bulb. “I’ll change the light bulb,” says the Taurean, “but that’s all that’s ever going to change.” And there you have it – a star sign boasting qualities of conservatism and dogged determination that some call bull-headed stubbornness. But of course you’re known for other qualities. You can be down to earth, focused, dedicated, and you have a pretty good nose for financial planning. On the other hand, you can be self-indulgent, materialistic, and possessive depending on what dark forces are at work in your celestial house. Also, you are scary when you get angry, blowing into uncontrollable rages. And god help anyone who makes you mad when you’re drunk. Here we’re talking about danger that can come from both Taurean men and Taurean women. Does anyone remember the rumour about how a tipsy Cher once clocked comedian Joan Rivers at a Hollywood party for making fun of the singing star’s latest facelift? Said Joan to Cher: “When you cry do the tears come out of the side of your head?” Boom. Cher knocked Joan on her butt, and I believe the matter was settled for a large sum out of court. Of course, Joan is one to talk about facelifts, for heaven’s sake. These days the comedian looks like she’s waddled in front of a sand blaster a dozen times over. Fortunately, money problems – even large ones – don’t usually stir fury in Taureans. They often just make you work harder to get over the hump. This is a very good thing, because this June nobody will get hurt or sued as you contend with conflicting universal forces that could set a bad debt in motion, one that you may have completely overlooked or forgotten about and that involves others in your orbit. Peace, Taurean brothers and sisters.